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Joke of the Day

"Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I'm unaware of?"

"Me: .... Dog: ... Me: .... Dog: ... Me: ... Dog: ... Me: .... Dog: ... Me: ... Dog: ... Me: ... Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: .."

"My tattoos aren't braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them. Unless you're hot, then you get the secret taste option."

"What did the Physics professor say when he forgot his lines of a speech? Give me a moment...ummmm.(momentum)"

"A group of protesters gather outside a physics lab ""What do we want?"" ""Time travel"" ""When do we want it?"" ""Irrelevant"""

"How do remove a bunch of drunk Canadians from the pool? You ask them to leave."

"Spent 6 hours linking all my watches together to make a belt. It was a complete waist of time."

"I don't think I could ever fall in love with a midget... I don't think I could ever fall in love with a midget. But I guess it's better to fall in love with a small person, than not a tall."

"God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how's 2016 been? Did you cope OK? Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine."

"I know my mum has a dildo because I hear her drawer slam shut every night before she switches off her light in the next room... ...I wish this was a joke."