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Joke of the Day

"I was going to write a novel but I may just print out all my tweets and dedicate it to my parents not loving me enough."

"I just got a Sleep Number mattress, and it turns out my sleep number is 911. Because a night in my bed, you'll never forget."

"Q: What do you get if you cross a skunk with a boomerang? A: A nasty smell that you can't get rid of."

"[first date] OK don't let her know you're a snail Waiter: Would you like some salt? [flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]"

"A German went to the store to pick up some eggs. But all the eggs at the store were rotten. I guess you could say it was a bad yolk."

"We need to start investing more in solar energy But it's not just going to happen overnight"

"Wanna race? Ok, I got white"

"That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth"

"Women are good for 70 things. cleaning house, and 69"

"Did you hear the one about the guy who couldn't think of a punch line?"