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Joke of the Day

"What did the Mexican gang member say when two large houses fell on him during an earthquake? Get off me, homes."

"DATE:[texting friend] he keeps comparing stuff to athletes ME: *returning from bathroom* man they got the michael jordan of toilets in there"

"When a guy tries to talk to me while at a urinal I instantly slide over and start pissing in his urinal too. See how friendly he really is"

"ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work WIFE: Why ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom WIFE: so kill it ME:[whispering] its got my gun"

"Why did the orange move to veggieland? So he could live in peas and hominy."

"Give a man a jacket, and he will be warm for the day. Teach a man to jacket, and he will never leave his house."

"Olympic swimmer Ryan Lochte has to eat enough to feed a family of 4 every day. He has to! I just do it because I feel like it."

"What did the scarf say to the hat? You go on ahead. I'll hang around"

"Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she's a victim of Rachel profiling."

"What is the Highest Proof of Tequila? Juan Fifty Juan"