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Joke of the Day

"I thought she asked if I was interested in an orgy. Turns out she really said ""4G."" My apologies to the lady at the Verizon kiosk."

"When you're addicted to keyboard shortcuts It might start off with just copying and pasting, but once you get into underlining it really starts to control you."

"Mechanic said I blew a seal... Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?"

"My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike."

"What's the big deal with the Dog Whisperer? My dog whispers all the time! ""Kill for me,"" he rasps."

"What do you call a sheep covered in chocolate? A chocolate BAAA"

"I had five hundred Kit Kats in my fridge and my mate had one in his. I pressured him into giving his to a homeless person. That's basically how celebrity charity appeals work."

"Why do Call of Duty players hate Lee Harvey Oswald? Oh come on, the man is a stupid camping hardscoper!"

"My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that's pretty cool"

"Lost and confused in an helicopter"