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Joke of the Day

"I worry my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe a vision of how much worse it could have been."

"If Money Doesn't Grow On Trees, Then Why Do Banks Have Branches?"

"What does the average cat say? Mu"

"Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?"

"people almost never ask me for man advice because 98% of it is ""you should slash his tires"""

"I wish there was an "" I don't get it button."""

"Why do dinosaurs climb trees? There's nothing else to climb in the jungle."

"Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, if he gets angry, you'll be a mile away and he'll be barefoot."

"I just burned 2000 calories. That's the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap."

"What do you call it when two robots have sex? Automating."