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Joke of the Day

"I worry my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe a vision of how much worse it could have been."

"Have you heard about the midget Klan member? He was a little racist."

"Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth? Me: Why would I do that? D: ok...[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly] Me: *winks at camera*"

"Me: I'm super funny. I mean, how could 13K people be wrong? Husband: There were WAY more people in the Nazi party. Me:................."

"I watch Looney Tunes before I go to work, because there's something about old school cartoon violence that relaxes me"

"You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don't have to fill out a form or anything."

"What is the worst part about being socially anxious and trying to tell a joke to a group of people? You'll probably punch up the fuck line."

"Ten minutes into ""conspiracy theories and chill..."" ...we start gettin *illuminaughty.*"

"Ted said to his friend 'can you lend me $10?' 'But I only have $8' his friend replied. That's OK you can always owe me the other $2!"

"I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn't mine."