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Joke of the Day

"What do you call a showoff Texan? *Austin*tatious."

"When I'm in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they're safe"

"They say a bird in the hand is better than two in the bush But a penis in the bush is better than two in the hand any day."

"I was trying to make a text art dinosaur today. I can't ever get the teeth right. I only seem to be able to do them ASCII-dentally."

"the reason quarterbacks can throw the ball so far is because it's filled with spiders and they hate it so much"

"Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake."

"Why did Mubarak and Gaddafi get dehydrated? They didn't want water from the Arab Spring."

"Only God can judge me. *gets hit by lightning*"

"What do Monica Lewinsky and a vending machine have in common? Both say Please insert Bill."

"Kind of a pick up line? I wrote you a song but it's only one verse... But it's only because you're my UNIVERSE ...lol..."