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Joke of the Day

"Joke my life"

"Are you a car with the windows rolled up on a scorching hot summer day? Because I want to put a baby inside you."

"The best thing about having a penis is .. Sharing it with people who don't have one :P"

"I could probably kill this woman, serve my prison sentence, come back here and buy my diet coke before she finishes writing her check."

"On which day do monsters eat people? Chewsday."

"What did the tectonic plate say when it had a collision? It's not my fault."

"Just got out of the shower and realized I forgot to wash my butthole. Oh well, there's always next Sunday."

"""So, doctor, do I have cancer or not?"" ""Oh Jesus Christ, holy shit, tons of it,"" said the doctor to Martin Shkreli."

"I wish I hadn't wasted so much of my life creating wacky sci-fi inventions... The time machine alone set me back 15 years."

"I have a Russian driving instructor. He tells me to ""Putin to 1st"" but i always end up Stalin."