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Joke of the Day

"I bet there would be a lot more wars if there weren't boobs. I haven't seen a boob in 2 days and I'm ready to kill someone."

"Me: Do you want a burger or a hot dog? Her: Neither. I'm vegan. Me: Feel free to eat as much grass as you want."

"I feel that jokes about basements are beneath me... ...but I won't tell you a joke about roofs because it'll go over your head."

"If the light turns green & the guy behind you honks cause he thinks you're taking too long to go get out & start checking your tire pressure"

"Finally got a phone at my desk. In related news, thanks to me, 56 random people are running to catch their refrigerators."

"Shouldn't octopus apendages be called eightacles?"

"What's that Lassie? Bark! Yes I have a few moments of free time Bark! Goddammit lassie no I don't want to hear about Jesus"

"I got fired from my job at Pepsi I tested positive for Coke"

"When we were vacationing in New Zealand, I bought myself a back-scratcher made from a Kangaroo claw. ... ... The only downside is when I use it on myself, I end up feeling jumpy the rest of the day."

"Atoms make up everything... so naturally you shouldn't trust them."