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Joke of the Day

"[funeral] ME: I never know what to say at these things. WIDOW: sorry for your loss. ME: it's ok, I'm sure I'll think of something."

"What do we want? A cure for Tourette Syndrome! When do we want it? Cunt!"

"FIRST MONSTER: Am I late for dinner? SECOND MONSTER: Yes everyone's been eaten."

"I have trouble ending small talk. Some guy I started talking to in 1998 on a bus is still talking to me. His name is Gary. He hates rain."

"So you are distantly related to the family next door are you? Yes- their dog is our dog's brother."

"Why didn't crab and lobster like to share? They were both two shellfish"

"If you do not say it, they can't repeat it."

"What did the CN tower say to the clouds??? Only the tip baby, I promise!"

"If you had one match to light a kerosene lamp, fire place, wood-burning stove Which do you light first? The match"

"How many cops does it take to change a light bulb? Two - One to arrest the light bulb for begging for change and other to beat the room because it's black."