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Joke of the Day

"One sneeze: Bless you. Two sneezes: Ugh, bless you. Three sneezes: Silence. Four sneezes: We'll never be as close as we once were."

"I'm an 'adult', so why do I dance a little and look around nervously when I find a $20 bill in my jeans I didn't know was there..."

"[Writing Silence of the Lambs] Anyone have an idea for the cannibal's name? Jim: Hannibal? Anyone? Jim: Hannibal Anyone other than Jim?"

"What do you call a midget psychic that broke out of jail? A small medium at large"

"I've grown an interest with Mussolini's Italy. I guess you can call it a fascistnation."

"Never trust a stairwell. Every time you turn around, it's a new story!"

"This summer I'm going to go to the beach and bury metal objects that say, 'Get a life' on them. Demetri Martin"

"What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday? Aye matey!"

"I thought I was just really tired but it's been 5 years so I guess this is how I look now."

"What did the bra say to the toupee? You go on ahead, I'll hold these two up."