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Joke of the Day

"UBER: Sounds better than ""Let's get in this strange man's car!"""

"If I had a nickel for every hot woman at Ross I saw... I'd forget about all the money I made because I fucked them all."

"What cologne do engineers wear? Elon's musk"

"""Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective"" - cats"

"I got fired today ""what? why?"" no idea ""you have no idea?"" nope ""I'm confused when did this happen?"" between pre break break and break"

"Dad goes on date with Carly Rae Jepsen As she got into his car he said ""Hi, Maybe."""

"I don't get why women are complaining that Plan B doesn't work if you're over 180 lbs If she's over 180 lbs, she's already Plan B!"

"When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn't have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed."

"""So my doctor just told me my DNA was backwards."" ""And?"""

"The difference between dates and prunes? You don't get laid after prunes (Courtesy of my date last night after I asked her this question seriously)"