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Joke of the Day

"Did anyone lose a roll of twenties wrapped in a rubberband? I found the rubberband!"

"Hi..You've reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not."

"How do you confuse a blonde? You paint yourself green, and throw forks at her"

"Did you hear about the little guy compelled to clap in time whenever he was on the Paris underground? He was a Metro gnome."

"What is said at the conclusion of a lesbian marriage ceremony? You may fist the bride"

"I have Electile Dysfunction Electile Dysfunction : the inability to become aroused over any of the choices for President put forth by either party in the 2016 election year."

"*uses handkerchief* Well now that this is used, it seems I won't be blowing my nose again til laundry day."

"It takes a long time for a giraffe... ...to swallow its pride."

"I wrote on my tinder that I'm 5 foot 2 and got no matches. Then I wrote that I'm just 1 foot and now I can pick and choose."

"Robin Williams jokes. God gave men both a penis and brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time."