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Joke of the Day

"I'm not here to make FRIENDS - David Schwimmer on his day off (it is 1996 in this tweet)"

"My irritating fucking roommate contaminated our water with mercury... Now I'm *really* mad!!"

"Why can't gay people drive while they're aroused? Because they can't think straight."

"A man's son goes off to join isis. The man laments saying: Why? Jihad so much potential!"

"What came first, the Chicken or the Egg? That depends on which one you had for starters"

"A Roman Walks Into a Bar... and holds up his middle and pointer fingers. ""Five beers please,"" he says."

"Why do women parachutists wear jock straps? So they don't whistle on the way down."

"Me: I'm gonna make you an offer you can't refuse. Him: Ma'am, for the last time, we don't have a limit on how much liquor you can buy."

"What's the difference between John Wayne and Jack Daniels? Jack Daniels is still killing Indians."

"My ex said she left me because of my short attention span. Unbeknownst to her I actually...damn that's a cool ass word right? Unbeknownst."