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Joke of the Day

"Spider Island Day 1: The arachnids are intelligent & friendly hosts. They even built me a hammock to ensure my comfort. Day 2: I was wrong."

"Oscar Pistorius has the worst alibi ever. Who the hell would break into your house to rob your bathroom?"

"I swear on my momma imma upvote this post, since you sweared on your momma upvote this post."

"Harry: Want to see a magic trick? Voldemort: Let's see what you got Potter. Harry: Got your nose! Voldemort: You know I hate that game."

"Next time a skinny bitch calls herself fat... I'm gonna agree with her."

"Scientist: we've finally taught a dog Morse Code Dog: [taps paw] Me: what did it say? Scientist: ""woof"""

"My friend and I signed up to win a lifetime supply of skin lotion. He won and I didn't The worst part is that he keeps rubbing it in."

"Breakup? I'm sorry no. You're not finished being in love with me yet."

"TIL Schweiger"

"Tonight's forecast. Mostly drunk with a slight chance of passing out."