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Joke of the Day

"Wife walked into the bedroom. ""What the hell are you doing here in my white and gold dress?"" ""No honey, it s not what it looks like."""

"The MTV Movie Awards are a great reminder of why kids should never be allowed to vote."

"What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend? He flushed."

"I asked my wife what she wanted for Christmas. She told me ""Nothing would make her happier than a diamond necklace"" So I bought her nothing."

"Why did the orange move to veggieland? So he could live in peas and hominy."

"I hear Adrian Peterson is getting into baseball... Apparently he's a great switch hitter."

"What's the second fastest thing in the world? > Your asshole pinching shut after dropping a deuce. What's *the* fastest thing in the world? > The ice-cold drop of water that gets in first."

"Probably the worst thing about getting taken down by a pack of Hyenas would be hearing them giggle while they eat you."

"How did the hipster burn his tongue? He drank coffee before it was kewl."

"How do you drive an accountant completely insane? Tie him to a chair stand in front of him and fold up a road map the wrong way."