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Joke of the Day

"Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips Her: Who are you talking to in there? M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody"

"I was tired of not finding a seat in rush-hour commutes... Which is why, I started passing stool on the train."

"If Anderson Cooper shows up in your country you're fucked. He's pretty much the Angel of Death."

"To this day, the boy that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money. On the plus side, he makes great subway sandwiches."

"Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her."

"Do you know what the worst thing about an owl is? They maintain eye contact when you microwave them"

"How do you get Squirtle, Charmander and Pikachu onto a bus? You pokemon."

"A donkey fell into a bowl of sugar Now that's a sweet ass"

"Growing up, my dad hated cigarettes so much, He would burn them every time he saw one."

"Two college grads are standing at a counter... The one says to the other ""I'll have a number 6, super sized"""