227547

Joke of the Day

"Men don't realize that if we're sleeping with them on the first date, we're probably not interested in seeing them again either."

"I'm sorry that I'll never be as fun in person as I am in drunk texts."

"Why doesn't Hellen Keller play piano? Because she's fucking dead."

"What's the worst thing about being a Jehovah's witness? Nobody asks, 'who's there?' when you try and tell a knock knock joke."

"I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He's gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it."

"Did you know Princess Diana was on the radio? And the dashboard, and the windshield..."

"Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads...Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators."

"What do you call a criminal jazz player? Felonius Monk!"

"What did the gymnast and the grad student have in common? The both had an outstanding balance."

"How to ruin a helpful solution you gave to a friend that needed help. End with ""Your mom is actually really hot"""