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Joke of the Day

"It's so annoying when people make fun of what other people are wearing. Like yeah, this dress is a little tight, my legs are a little hairy, and my dick is hanging out but still!"

"[First date] So what do you do for a living? ""I'm a florist"" WHY DON'T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT'S LAVA?"

"My friend and I applied for work at the new submarine factory. I don't know if we'll get jobs, but we'll see what surfaces."

"That scene from Jurassic Park where the T-Rex is breathing heavily up against the jeep glass, except its me at the hotdog display in 7/11"

"Yo momma so fat... Her first name is Chow Yun."

"I work in construction... We don't have side pieces, we have back hoes"

"I told my girlfriend I would get a picture of her on my new debit card... So that even if we break-up, she'll still be taking my money."

"A vampire walks into a bar... and orders a cup of hot water. The bartender asks ""I thought you guys only drink blood?"" The vampire pulls out a used tampon and says, ""I'm making tea."""

"ROOMMATE: Big date later? ME: [combs hair] Yes R: Where? M: [fixes tie] The woods R: Is it with a bear again? M: [dabs honey behind ears] No"

"What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?"