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Joke of the Day

"That scene from Jurassic Park where the T-Rex is breathing heavily up against the jeep glass, except its me at the hotdog display in 7/11"

"What is the most fascist letter? Not C"

"Nsfw how do you pick up a Jewish girl? With a dust pan."

"BuzzFeed writer (innocently): hey friends. as a friendly activity, tell me your funny anecdotes. coincidentally I have an article due soon"

"Me: *pets dog* Dog: Ruff Me: *pets dog* Dog: Ruff Me: *pets dog* Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can't you moisturize?"

"Me: Why doesn't he love me? Nachos: Eat more of me and find out! Me: *Chewing* So? Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here."

"If you're a woman and you lost your virginity, Chuck Norris probably has it."

"My congressman just wrote to tell me if I don't re-elect him, whatever-scares-me-most will probably happen. Send money."

"Scientists have deciphered hieroglyphics thought to be 5,500 years old. The first full sentence says ""This is a repost."""

"Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you."