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Joke of the Day

"That scene from Jurassic Park where the T-Rex is breathing heavily up against the jeep glass, except its me at the hotdog display in 7/11"

"My pull out game is so strong... When i pull out my yu gi oh cards to duel, you send yourself to the shadow realm."

"What does Jerry Jones do after winning the Super Bowl? Gives the X Box back to grandkids"

"[at interview] Interviewer: tell me a little about yourself. Me: I'd rather not. I kinda want this job."

"Told to me by my 8 year old daughter: Knock knock. Who's there? Awkward silence. Awkward silence who? ... I see what you did there..."

"Scientists have created a mutant version of the deadly 1918 Spanish flu virus in an effort to better understand how pandemics start. I'm not a scientist, but this is how pandemics start."

"NSFW - What's the worst thing to hear.... What's the *worst* thing to hear after blowing Willie Nelson? ""I'm not Willie Nelson."""

"WAITER: what can i get you ME: what do you recommend WAITER: i recommend that you tell me what you want to eat"

"The man who fell into an upholstery machine is now fully recovered."

"I told the Starbucks batista my name was Mary Krismas... They still can't get the spelling right."