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Joke of the Day

"When cooking, I sometimes talk to my knife. I talk to it about my current life situations. The knife tells me I'm crazy. It tends to be pretty sharp about these things, so I guess it has a point."

"I don't want to make a political joke It might get elected as president of the United States"

"What do you call mints you can spread through social media? Memementos"

"Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me."

"Q: Why can't Ray Charles see his friends? A: Because he's married."

"You should never criticize a Muslim... until you've walked a mile in their suicide vest."

"So I realized I have all these great stories, but far too few end with ""And then I fucked her...."" So anyways I was babysitting my little sister last night...."

"If the Pope could smell my farts right now he'd cancel Christmas."

"What does a frying pan and anal sex have in common? They both brown your meat."

"Why is it easy to break in to an old man's house? Because his gait is broken and his locks are few."