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Joke of the Day

"What do you call mints you can spread through social media? Memementos"

"What did the stoned alpaca say to the other stoned alpaca? Alpaca 'nother bong"

"I tried changing my reddit password to ""penis"". It said it wasn't long enough :("

"My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower."

"I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they're in."

"The cool thing about being happy is you get to live in crippling fear that it will all go away soon"

"I used to steal identities... You people are so boring I ended up returning them."

"I'M RAGING AGAINST THE MACHINE! Okay, I'm just frustrated with this copier, but I sighed pretty loud, so I think it knows how I feel!"

"Did you hear about the emotional wedding? Even the cake was in tiers!"

"TALKING TO MY DAUGHTER 7yo: I have an empty snail shell collection. Me: How many do you have? 7yo: Zero. Me: ZERO? 7yo: I said it was empty."