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Joke of the Day

"I used to want to live in the sewers with the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles when I was a kid so I'd say I'm a success compared to that."

"Pedophiles really get on my nerves... They're fucking immature assholes."

"What is Shrek's favorite book? Don-key xote"

"[creation] GOD: You each have a gift WORM: What's mine? G: You...spin silk BEE: How bout me? G: Uh...make honey HIPPO: And me? G: Hm...eat marbles"

"What do we want? CLICKBAIT! When do we want it? The answer will shock you... ***** Edit: There was this one weird typo that doctors don't want you to know about."

"Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I'd turn the radio down."

"Gurl, you remind me of a box of chocolates.....(Why?) Cause I want to take your top off."

"1 + 1 = 3 If you don't use a condom"

"I hear voices in my head But I ignore them and carry on killing. (Sean Lock)"

"A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle. Did I just say that out loud?"