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Joke of the Day

"Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I'm describing him."

"What do you call sex with an ex? sex"

"[diary, day 3642 on deserted island] How can I still be fat?"

"If Bears ruled the world, I wonder if they would care whether or not the Humans they mauled were free-range."

"My roommate was complaining to me that his favorite P!nk song never came on the radio. And i was like, ""so what?"" I'll show myself out."

"what if an italian guy smoked weed, he might say ""emma stone"""

"What's the best way to get bubble gum out of your hair? Cancer"

"My mom keeps walking in everytime I watch porn. I'm just glad she doesn't know I'm watching it."

"Just got real sweaty because I started thinking about a babe in an ankle-length all denim overall dress"

"A man walks into an Apple store... ..and lets out a huge fart. Within seconds, everyone in the entire store leaves. Why? -- Because there are no Windows"