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Joke of the Day

"Always check the height of any nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders.... How I learned this is not important..."

"That awkward moment when u lock binoculars with your neighbor."

"One time, I broke my iPhone and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless person I don't like to talk about it"

"What's the difference between a trampoline and a dead baby? You take your boots off to jump on a trampoline."

"What is an elf's favourite kind of birthday cake? Shortcake!"

"What is green and has 4 wheels? Grass, I lied about the wheels."

"Where are the cleanest bathrooms on college campuses? The women's bathrooms in the engineering building. Credit to /u/The_Messiah"

"What's the difference between Isaac Newton and the baby I just stabbed to death? Isaac Newton died a virgin."

"If you gave me a blowjob while in the shower, I'd probably shampoo and condition your hair while you do it."

"My girlfriend asked me to 'eat the booty like groceries' But I'm on a glute-free diet"