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Joke of the Day

"I fill my pockets with glitter so when people ask me for money, I can turn them out to show that I'm broke, but still a little fancy."

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"nothing is more unattractive than insecurity unless that doesnt sound right haha i mean whatever you guys think"
"I've spent about 6 years of my life waiting for roommates to leave so I don't have to say hi to them when I come out of my bedroom"
"Spent over an hour at the wife's grave this morning. Bless her, she thinks I'm digging a pond."
"a dating site that matches you with the perfect slice of cheesecake"
"Well if Trump is a bad president, hopefully by the next election... We'll have 2020 hindsight"
"I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor."
"What's the difference between Stanley Yelnats and the rest of the kids in Holes? He was just a nerdy digger."
"Redneck sext message: You cant handle the tooth!"
"The strip club around the corner got its liquor license revoked. I'll still go there for breakfast, but I'll have to order the regular OJ."