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Joke of the Day

"Why do you get aroused when you look in the mirror? Because your dick thinks you're a pussy too."

"Halloween is coming up. This is the best time to teach your kids about taxes and social security... Take away 30% of their Halloween candy and promise them you'll give part of it back in 70 years!"

"Pretty sure California's water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I've lazily kicked under the fridge."

"Cop: You were speeding. Me: Objection your honor. Cop: I'm not a judge. Me: Permission to approach the bench. Cop: What? Me: Sustained."

"David Cameron has said that Britain is prepared for a nuclear attack from North Korea. Dave mate, normally we aren't prepared for snow at winter."

"I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, 'cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools."

"hey babe i got this new cologne called colon and i smell like my digestive system i hope you like it"

"What do Mountain folk do on Halloween? Pumpkin."

"What's the difference between Santa Claus and the Jews? The way they traveled through the chimney."

"My hooker friend finally got a toilet installed at her brothel. Now she can poop where she pleases."