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Joke of the Day

"OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER."

"Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them."

"I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any."

"Two pretzels were walking down the street... And one was a-salted."

"If I had a dog I'd say ""I have a bone to pick with you!"" and then we'd go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we'd laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh"

"He and I were best friends and roommates, so sex was never on the table. It was always on the couch, the bed, and the floor. Come on, we *eat* there."

"My jeans smell weird so I guess I should wash them in two weeks."

"[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]"

"My daughter did a cart wheel and slammed her head right into the coffee table. That's all the DNA test I need."

"Q: Why doesn't Bill like old houses? A: He's afraid of the draft."