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Joke of the Day

"*Looking in the mirror* Fix hair. Check teeth. Fix hair. Check butt. Fix hair. Side check. Suck in. Side check. Fix hair. *Sighs* walks..."

"Wife: Sleep tight, don't let the bed bugs bite! Me: Haha funny. [under the mattress] Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*"

"In New York, someone gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor bastard."

"Why didn't we learn about essential oils in school? I mean, that shit is ESSENTIAL. Should've been the first lesson!"

"One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said ""death or becoming a pirate king"" and he threw my cat Alan at me"

"""My phone's about to die."" -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ...."

"My lesbian neighbour just gave me a Rolex I think she misunderstood when I told her I wanna watch..."

"Knock Knock Who's there ! Alfred ! Alfred who ! Alfred of the dark !"

"My boss told me to have a good day so I went home."

"What do you call a Pediatrist speeding in Michigan Lead foot"