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Joke of the Day

"The best thing to do on New Years Eve is set the microwave timer with the countdown so the first thing that happens that year is Pizza Rolls"

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"Two Condoms are walking past a gay bar... ... one turns to the other and says, ""Wanna go get shit faced?"""
"A man's wife gets angry about him switching to bitcoins He says ""Why don't you switch to bitchcoins?"""
"WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn't real? It's just part of series of fantasy novels. ME: *chasing an owl around my garden* WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!"
"Police arrest two kids. One was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off."
"I just used Oxi Clean for the first time, and it's amazing. I'm starting to think Michael Jackson put it in his bath water."
"""OH MY GOD YOU'RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I'M A DOG TOO"" - dogs"
"""I can dish it out, but I can't take it."" - Lactose intolerant ice cream man"
"I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin."
"You have 2,000 friends on FB and your profile pic was taken in the mirror? You couldn't find one of your ""friends"" to take it?"