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Joke of the Day

"You ate some space food? Why on earth would you do that?"

"""Mom, I hate the word, 'Hemorrhoid'. It's like a weird planet. Hi,I'm Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!"" -my 12yr old"

"What's the good word? Legs. Spread the word!"

"Why wasn't I able to see the instruction manual? Because the instructions were clear."

"Doctor: ""I'm sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness and have only 10 to live."" Patient: ""What do you mean, 10? 10 what? Months? Weeks?!"" Doctor: ""Nine."""

"My girlfriend says she enjoys sex more whilst on holiday. Well I can tell you, that was an awkward postcard to receive."

"When you have kids, ""sleeping in"" is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was."

"Arguing on the internet is like competing in the Special Olympics Even if you win, you're still fucking retarded."

"I had to break it off with my girlfriend. She wouldn't fake orgasms. I can't be with someone who doesn't care about my needs."

"An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii."