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Joke of the Day

"Do you know what a will is? C'mon! It's a dead giveaway."

"What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday? Aye matey"

"Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet."

"[Starbucks] ME: [bursts in] THERE'S A GUNMAN AT LARGE BARISTA: [shrugs] ME: [sigh] THERE'S A GUNMAN AT VENTI B: *grande screaming noises*"

"A little african girl... asks her daddy: ""Daddy can I play with your dick?"" ""- Yes but don't go too far"""

"What's the hardest thing about rollerblading? Having to tell your parents that you're gay."

"Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won't stop grinding its teeth."

"People wont mess with you if you eat a cup of yogurt and then smash it on your forehead because youre tough and have healthy bowel movements"

"I've just hired a hot 19 year-old Swedish girl with massive tits to babysit my kids. Now... Where the fuck do I get some kids from?"

"The National Shredded Cheese Council just endorsed Donald Trump for president... They're ready to make America grate again."