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Joke of the Day

"Friend: you should come over tonight. we're watching 'How to Train Your Dragon 2' Me: Friend: Me: to what? Friend:"

"What do you call a woman of the night playing a trumpet? A prosti-toot"

"A one-liner based on what happened to me at work. An insect landed in my beverage, now I'm feeling a bit fly-tea."

"Fuuuuck yeah! (shakes pill bottle) Tonight we gonna get completely, totally... (reads label) Antifungal"

"Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment."

"I pulled a muscle masturbating... I know, I know; you're not supposed to put the punchline in the title."

"Two rules for success! 1. Never reveal everything you know."

"TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too! HERMIT CRAB: i do. where'd you find yours? T: i was born with it HC: *scoff* ok princess"

"He's an owl with an attitude. She's a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC's new hit 'Birds of Pray'!"

"Jews rated their trip to auschwitz It was one star"