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Joke of the Day

"I pulled a muscle masturbating... I know, I know; you're not supposed to put the punchline in the title."

"""Aloha, a bar,"" said a struggling alcoholic ex-Muslim in Hawaii."

"I'm just a girl, sitting in her car, wondering what the person I texted ""I'm in the cat"" to, is thinking right now."

"How do you plug a plow into a car stereo? Through the ox input."

"What do you call it when a person acts holy for a night then sins every day after? A one night stand with Jesus"

"I said ""Hi"" to a feminist. The trial is scheduled for tomorrow"

"What do you call a child with no arms and no legs swimming in a pool? Bob."

"I think I'm addicted to roofies... I can't remember though"

"ME: Is it true you can smell diseases? MY DOG: Yes ME: Well do I have any? MY DOG: Yes, you're insane ME: Wow you can smell that? MY DOG: No"

"Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is."