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Joke of the Day

"If I'm on a sneezing fit it's best to let me go, because by the 4th time you say ""God bless you,"" I'm ready for you to be out of my life."

"How can you tell you are dealing with an extroverted engineer? He's staring at somebody else's shoes."

"[bill gates house] Bill: What's on at the cinema? Wife: Let me google it and- *terrified look at bill* Wife: Let me bing it and see."

"How many Swedes does it take to clean a men's bathroom? None because they pee sitting down."

"Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I'm reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild."

"My sister Crystal I asked my mother earlier today why my sister was named Crystal. Mother: That's because I love crystals so much. Me: What about my name then? Mother: No more questions today, Dick."

"[in front of fire] DATE: I'm still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket* ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it"

"A condom doesn't guarantee safe sex. My friend was wearing one when he was shot by the woman's husband."

"A cowboy peers down the pit of an outhouse... He sees an Indian standing at the bottom. He asks, ""How long have you been down there?"" The Indian replies: ""Many moons."""

"TIL It's not possible to yawn while wearing earphones"