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Joke of the Day

"If someone doesn't respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don't love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly."

"What do you call a snake with a degree in engineering? A Boa Constructor"

"Why did the Libertarian cross the road? NONE OF YOUR DAMN BUSINESS! AM I BEING DETAINED?"

"If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they're 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year"

"I tried to share a kebab with a homeless guy I saw sitting on a bench last night. He told me to f*ck off and buy my own."

"How do you sink a Polish battleship? Put it in water"

"Not to get technical, but according to Chemistry...Alcohol is a solution."

"Why don't oysters give to charity? They are shellfish."

"Honestly, after an hour of Disney Channel I don't give a shit about the future"

"What do you call an alien in a swamp? A MARSHian"