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Joke of the Day

"I just ended a long-term relationship today I'm not too bothered, it wasn't mine"

"[knock at door] Cop: open up, it's the police Me [doing an Estonian accent]: I'm not here Cop: are you in Estonia? Me: I am. I'm in Estonia"

"What happened when the shoe factory burned down? 500 soles were lost."

"The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I've been resting for 6 years."

"A guy walks into a bar with jumper cables... The bartender says, you can have a drink, but ya better not start anything"

"I don't need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks"

"[think of idiom] firing on all cylinders [post tweet w/ idiom + literal interpretation] mr. on all cylinders, ur fired [wait for 100+ faves]"

"I have a bunch of sheep puns....... But they're, pretty Baa^aaaaa^aaaaa^aad."

"I invented a new word the other day. Plagiarism."

"Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over? Me: Well Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*"