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Joke of the Day

"I put my grandma on speed dial. Instagram is a thing, right?"

"Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal."

"The John Birch Society wants American schools to ban protractors. Because a protractor marks angles."

"What's the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer? A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again."

"I'm thinking about joining a sports team just so I can get my butt slapped."

"Today I'm approaching teens dressed like I'm from the future, locking eyes, and saying ""Happy Presidents Day, sir"" with a wink"

"I'll need a weekend to recover from this weekend."

"My GF's jokes. #1 What type of car does James Bond drive? 00-Sedan"

"I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn't even notice I wasn't wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something"

"I just told my wife I am getting her a monkey for her birthday. She went bananas."