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Joke of the Day

"""I'm leaving you"" ""why?"" ""Your jokes are old and tiresome"" ""but, I can updog"" ""What's updog?"" ""NOTHIN, WHAT'S UP WI-"" *slams door*"

"ALBUS: It's a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING. SNAPE: That's amazing. We can save- ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid."

"Other than THAT Ms. Lincoln, how was the play?"

"The best thing about living at the beach is that you only have assholes on three sides of you."

"Do you know how you piss off a bunch of people at once? http://www.redditstatic.com/reddit500.png"

"What does the hipster serial killer do? Has sex with the bodies before they're cool."

"Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I'm done talking."

"I was walking thru the graveyard the other morning... Saw a guy kneeling behind a headstone. I walked up to him and greeted him ""Morning!"" He replied, ""Nah, I'm just taking a shit"""

"When I fall down a public venue, ""Did anyone see me"" totally outranks ""Am I ok"" on the thought process."

"What's E.T short for? He's got little legs"