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Joke of the Day
"Why did the film critic protest the new children's cemetery? He's not a fan of juvenile plots."
Next Joke
"I got arrested for being drunk and disorderly, but I was just laughing hysterically at the cost of organic vegetables."
"What do doors and hookers have in common? You enter, come, and go. EDIT: changed punchline"
"I want to open a Jamaican/Irish/Spanish small plate breakfast restaurant And call it ""Tapas the Mornin' to Ja."" RIP Harris Wittels."
"I'm going to bang my head into the wall repeatedly. Is that okay? Sure, kid. Knock yourself out."
"Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz ""we don't have time to get arrested"" if you're looking for a parenting role model."
"What's the difference between most people and planes? Most people miss the twin towers."
"Two condoms walk past a gay bar... One looks to the other and says ""let's get shit faced"""
"A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: ""A beer please, and one for the road."""
"Its been so long since I've had sex, my next time can't possibly be bad. For my partner, however, its guaranteed."