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Joke of the Day

"I got arrested for being drunk and disorderly, but I was just laughing hysterically at the cost of organic vegetables."

"A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win."

"Why did the chicken cross the road? ""BECAUSE YOU DIDN'T FUCKING COOK IT!"" -Gordon Ramsay"

"Yo momma so fat, the closer you get to her, the slower time passes for you in relation to an observer outside her gravitational pull."

"I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I'm hungry and in the area."

"A monster walked into the council rent office with a $5 note stuck in one ear and a $10 note in the other. You see he was $15 in arrears."

"What bird can lift the most? A crane"

"Let's claim some underground tunnels and start a new society where staring at our phones isn't considered rude and eye contact is weird."

"My wife is much happier with a beer inside her. I just wish she'd drink it afterwards."

"Fool me once, shame on you Fool me twice, shame on me Fool me three times, show me how you do that"