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Joke of the Day

"So, I walk in on daughter masturbating with a carrot. I shout, ""Fuck! Seriously? I was going to eat that later, and now it's just going to taste like carrots!"""

"Think about a nice pair of slacks. Now think about a panda. Now about radishes. Now about salt. I think you see where Im going with this."

"Apparently I took my elderly neighbor's offer to ""come inside"" a bit too far. Anyway, totally in jail."

"I went to the library and asked for a book on Pavlov's dog and Shrodinger's Cat The librarian said ""That rings a bell but I don't know if it's here or not."""

"A man in Phoenix accidentally shot himself in the leg while in line at Walmart on Saturday. Or, as they call that in Arizona, ""taking a selfie."""

"I wish I had a job where I could just punch stupid motherfuckers in the face all day."

"[1st date, don't let her know you're a panda] ""Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes* These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting"

"I once went to an open air Queen concert. There was a terrible electrical storm during the performance. Thunderbolts and lightning. Very, very frightening."

"When people stay in a horrific relationship instead of breaking up, I assume they killed someone together."

"The most attractive thing about you is your gravity."