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Joke of the Day

"I remember, before kids, saying funny things like, ""my kids won't be watching TV and they most certainly won't be eating chicken nuggets!"""

"Me: Janet's boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi Wife: He looks nothing like him Janet's bf: [tapping on car window] Don't forget about Gandhi"

"What is the only law that Hillary obeys? The law of gravity"

"I bought a lamp stand from Ikea... the assistant asked me was I planning on putting it up myself. ""You dirty bastard"" I said, ""It's going in the living room"""

"clever pupil makes fool his teacher PUPIL: Teacher, would you punish me for something I didn't do? TEACHER: off course not. PUPIL: good, because I didn't do my homework."

"[meta] why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other bar!"

"Scientists say you're more likely to die of what your grandparents died of rather than your parents If anyone sees any German snipers let me know"

"Your stick-figure family of 6 really isn't necessary. No one sees your minivan and mistakes you for wild and single."

"INTERVIEWER: ""How would you describe yourself?"" ME: ""Verbally, but I've also prepared a dance."""

"My wife called me a paedophile yesterday Quite a long word for a 9 year old."