219955

Joke of the Day

"How did we even waste time before Twitter?"

"Why can you only drown a hipster in a tributary? Because, it isn't mainstream."

"It's not often that one gets the opportunity to speak about someone intelligent, respected and admired. Unfortunately tonight I have to talk about (NAME)."

"Why do scuba divers fall backwards off of boats? Because if they fell foward, they would still be on the boat."

"Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent's disappointment has started following me around."

"[cat support technician] Me: So you're here to fix my computer? Cat: *nods* Me: Great, here it is. Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*"

"Son have I told you about the birds & the bees? Dad you're an ornithologist & moms an entomologist it's literally all you guys talk about"

"It's always a little disconcerting how before you trust them with your life every airline checks you in using computers running Windows 95."

"If at first you don't succeed, blame someone else and seek counseling."

"Why should you not visit the Ukraine with your fly unzipped? Because if you don't, Chernobyl fall out!"