219882

Joke of the Day

"Press 1 for English. Press 2 For shitty customer service in any language."

"[having sex] ME: oh yeah do you like that HER: faster! ME: *like an auctioneer* doyoulikethat-isee$5foryes-$5foryes-doisee$10-$10foryes"

"SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME'S TOM AND I'LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER"

"MOUTH BUT NO TEETH RIDDLE Q: What has a mouth but no teeth? A: A river."

"I once told a girl to text me when she gets home She must have been homeless"

"This boy said he was going to hit me with the neck of a guitar.... I said, Is that a fret?"

"Hey, did you say that your dog likes to 'exercise' or 'exorcise'? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]"

"Man drowned in Muesli Got pulled in by a strong currant"

"It would be so much more ""festive"" if UPS and FEDEX guys dressed as Santa while delivering packages during the holiday season"

"[rap battle] [my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]"