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Joke of the Day

"DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale PATIENT: Ok DR DOG: I'll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*"

"I hate when people leave their shit in the bathroom I don't know what's so good about the showers. The toilets are right next to them!"

"When ur at chipotle n u ask for guac and they say ""its extra is that ok?"" if u say its not ok they give it to u for free"

"I like Jews how I like my cookies. Cooked in an oven"

"What goes stomp, stomp, stomp, squish? An elephant with a wet boot"

"How many ISIS mercenaries does it take to change a light bulb? None stupid crusader, that's a job for the hostages!"

"Met a beautiful girl down at the park today... Sparks flew, she fell at my feet and we ended up having sex there and then. God, I love my new Taser..."

"Did you hear about the factory run by a hangman? All work has been suspended."

"What do you call a girl who's sitting in the middle of a tennis court? Annette."

"What's the longest you've ever stared at your phone without glancing up to look at the road while driving? For me it's three weeks."