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Joke of the Day

"What is the difference between like, love, hate, and showing off? Spit, swallow, bite, and gargle."

"Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me."

"A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea."

"cop: ""can you point at which zebra it was"" zebra: ""ha good luck we all look the same"" me: [points at zebra wearing my sunglasses] ""that one"""

"And if you can't be with the one you love, eat because you're bored."

"Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard."

"My ex wives were all good housekeepers.. ..When they left, they kept the house."

"Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance."

"How many cannibals does it take to make a sandwich? Two."

"If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I'm afraid of intimacy"