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Joke of the Day

"Give a man a fish, he eats for a day. Don't teach a man to fish, he's grown ass man and fishing isn't that hard."

"I'm even late for work when I work from home"

"This is why I failed out of collage."

"Today's weather is perfect for running around with your top down. But these kids at Trader Joe's act like they've never seen nipples before"

"[at a loud bar] HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS? HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS"

"What do you call a group of ears? A heard"

"What did the asian parents call their retarded son? Sum ting wong"

"Adulthood is like the vet, and we're all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we're going."

"Why should you never buy Russian jeans? Chernobyl fallout"

"An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please."