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Joke of the Day

"[at a loud bar] HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS? HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS"

"A blind man walks into a bar says ""Oww."""

"When u post in /r/shoot.... Its a suicide..! (Self.shoot) Ps- didnt check if it existed xD"

"My Dad says that the soda can is half empty.... We call him Pepsimistic."

"""Good parenting isn't giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself"" I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow"

"Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I'm a snake now and I typed this with my head."

"In school it be like 2+2=4. Homework: 2x8+3=19. Then the test: Juan has 4 apples, his train is 7 minutes early, calculate the suns mass. Wtf"

"Knock Knock -Who's there? -The pilot. Let me in"

"Why did Adele cross the road? To say Hello from the other side."

"I dated a lesbian who thought she might be bi, but I was afraid to make the first move. Felt like a pussy the first time she kissed me."