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Joke of the Day

"Wife [walking into house]: Ummm.. Me: [recreating ""You Better Shape Up Scene"" from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You're home early."

"Bra's are also called over the shoulder boulder holder's. What do you call men's underwear? Under the butt nut hut."

"2 blondes are on their way to Disneyland... they see a sign reading ""Disneyland left"". So they cried a bit and headed home."

"What do you call two homeless people hitting each other with cardboard? Pillow fight"

"I share a commute with three friends. Every weekday for the last 15 years I've driven into the city, taking the road that goes under the river. Now the doctor says I have Carpool Tunnel Syndrome."

"Elephant 911: What's ur em- Elephant: MOUSE Elephant 911: WHERE Elephant: FLOOR Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE [table breaking noises]"

"What do you call a whiny dog? A chi-WAAA-WAAA!!!!"

"If a murderer wanted to lure me out of my room all he'd have to do is turn off my wifi cause sure as shit i'm gonna see why it aint working"

"I bought my wife a pair of shoes and a dildo. If she doesn't like the shoes, she can go fuck herself. (Shamelessly stolen from Craig Ferguson)"

"Paris joke (fair warning) Looks like America isn't the only ones who like their french fried. #fuckcommies #fuckterrorism #gofrance #goamerica #laughtoeasethepain"