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Joke of the Day
"Looking to marry a pharmacist. Looks and personality optional. Just don't lose your job."
Next Joke
"My fortune cookie reads ""I peed in your fried rice"" and it's hand written..."
"[at the pet store] Me: I'd like a baby lizard please [later at home] Me: isn't he cute? Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor"
"""I"" before ""E"", except after ""C"". That's an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep...efficient."
"Hey thanks to whoever told me that Cubby Broccoli invented broccoli, I just looked like a real dipshit in front of my parents"
"The difference between ""Girlfriend"" and ""Girl Friend"" is that little space in between we call the ""Friend Zone""."
"Just had a very thorough pat-down by a TSA agent. Now he wants to talk about my feelings, but I'm soooo sleepy."
"I want to write in my resume how experienced I am in burning bridges... ...but I don't have anybody to use as a reference."
"The man who went to the bar with a gun. A man comes in a bar with a gun in his hands and yells ""Who the hell fucked my wife!?"", a voice at the back says ""you don't have enough bullets, mate!"""
"Be the first thought on her mind when she wakes up & the last before she sleeps... unless she's plotting your murder... then don't be that."